speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
