Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
