If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
