Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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