Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
