i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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