Pregnant stripper...not hot.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
