I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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