Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
