He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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