I cannot find my penis.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
