I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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