Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
