based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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