He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
