I want to have your abortion
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
