And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
