that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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