It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
