The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
