he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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