defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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