I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
