two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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