She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
