I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he was CRYING into my vagina
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
