FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
