I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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