I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
