Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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