either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
