No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
