I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
