Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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