A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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