kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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