I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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