Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
