Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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