I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
