We need to rekindle our bromance
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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