glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
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You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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