im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
