Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
