I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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