I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
