I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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