Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
