I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
