I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
