Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
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At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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