Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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