Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
