She's like a pop up book from hell.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Two words: blizzard sex
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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