You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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