I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
