I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
