I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
