Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
